Category: Writing (Page 1 of 6)

The Tourist’s Guide to London (Football) Soccer – Tottenham Chapter

Hello, friends! After many years of talking about it, procrastinating, and intensive research, “The Tourist’s Guide to London Football Soccer” is finally here. (Amazon link, B&N link, Kobo link) Or ready for pre-order, depending on when you read this. To whet your appetite, this is the chapter for visiting Tottenham Hotspur.

Tottenham Hotspur

Background

The North London Derby means more in Tottenham. The rivalry is deep on both sides, extending back to 1913 when that Johnny-come-lately Woolwich Arsenal club moved north of the river, but it means more for Tottenham because of the stolen promotion. After World War I, when football resumed, Tottenham were in the second tier, along with Arsenal and Chelsea. Tottenham did not finish in the automatic promotion places, but the plan was for four teams to move into the top-flight. Despite finishing ahead of Arsenal, a backroom deal by Arsenal’s then-chairman saw Arsenal steal Tottenham’s place in the top-flight. Spurs supporters felt positively robbed. Even with a speedy promotion back to the top-flight in the ensuing season, Spurs supporters have never forgotten and never forgiven. 

Since the football club’s founding in 1882, Tottenham Hotspur has resided in broadly the same area in north London. Waves of immigrants have moved to the area over the decades, including a number of Jewish families in the early 20th century. For most of the club’s history, the supporters were drawn from the community around the club, not a global audience, and by the 1930s there was a sizeable number of Jewish supporters in the ground on match days. The proportion has diminished over time, but the connection between Spurs and the Jewish community has remained, including having three chairmen in the last 40 years who were Jewish.

Many supporters today still proudly identify as “Yids,” regardless of their personal Jewish heritage.  This is a topic of hot debate among the supporters and the community, with the club asking supporters to move on from a term that came to be seen as anti-Semitic in the 1930s. Seldom a matchday passes without a portion of the crowd defiantly singing about “being a Yid.” I’m not here to be your Mom and tell you what you should or shouldn’t sing, but if you’ve not heard the term “Yid” before, consider that there’s a lot more to the word than some drunk lads singing about their football club.

Honors and Trophies

Under the stewardship of chairman Daniel Levy, the club has built a top-class training ground, a world-class stadium, and established itself in the “Big 6” of English football clubs, alongside Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester City, and Manchester United. (Newcastle supporters are tapping on the glass and mouthing “unlock the door.”) For most of that tenure—and decades prior—Spurs have been the banter club of English football. In the spring of 2025, they ended a 41-year wait for a European trophy by winning the Europa League final and then promptly sacked their manager.

Spurs were top-flight champions in 1951 and 1961, eight-time FA Cup winners (including the first “double” in the 20th century with the league and FA Cup victories under club legend Bill Nicholson’s management), thrice winners of the UEFA Cup (now the Europa League), and four-time winners of the League Cup, most recently in 2008. For most of the 21st century, the defining characteristic of supporting Tottenham Hotspur was the feeling of glimpsing glory but not quite achieving it, but that ended when manager Ange Postecoglu delivered on a promise early in the 2024-2025 season that “I always win trophies in my second season.” And so he did, mate. (And was sacked for finishing 17th in the league.)

Style of play

Tottenham supporters have a distinct vision for the style of play they want to see from the club, exemplified by the club motto: audere est facere. To dare is to do. Attack, attack, attack some more. Sitting in a low block is anathema. Sterile possession is abhorred. The goal is always to be on the front foot, always pressing, always scoring. In recent years the spells under Mauricio Pochettino and Ange Postecoglu exemplified the approach (the winning run in the 2024-2025 Europa League not withstanding). This has not always been the managerial philosophy, particularly in the early 2020s when the club was managed by Portuguese and Italian managers known for their pragmatism and defensive structure. Spurs supporters love an audacious attack, and you’ll seldom see the stadium more raucous than when a player drives forward from their own half to press a counterattack into the opposition’s final third. The 2020 FIFA Puskas Award winner for best goal in the world for the year was exactly this with Son Heung-min dribbling pretty much the entire Burnley team and scoring with a gem of a finish.

The Stadium

The Tottenham Hotspur Stadium is one of the foremost palaces of modern football. It is sleek, modern, convenient, and a money printing machine. Between regular football matches, hosting NFL games, hosting concerts, and boasting Europe’s longest continuous bar—the Goal Line Bar under the south stand—it is a testament to chairman Daniel Levy’s vision for the club to compete off the pitch in order to compete on the pitch.

When visiting the stadium, any first-timer should take the Victoria Line to Seven Sisters Station. From there walk with the crowd northward along Tottenham High Street. You’ll pass local shops and restaurants, and the Tottenham War Memorial on Tottenham Green, until the stadium rises over the shops and flats.

A crowd of people walking along Tottenham High Street with the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium rising in the distance

The stadium rising in the distance. Photo taken by the author.

Take a moment to enjoy the view, but get walking soon because it’s still a hike to reach the enormous club shop and the gates into the stadium entrances. 

The Seven Sisters walk. Map via Umap and OpenStreetMap.

For visitors who are unable to walk the mile+ from Seven Sisters to the stadium, use National Rail to White Hart Lane station. You can hop on at Liverpool Street, which is easy to access via the tube. Once at White Hart Lane station, it’s a short walk eastward to reach the stadium. Don’t miss the mural on Whitehall Street on the north-facing side of the Brown Eagle restaurant.

Area Pubs and Restaurants

No guide to food in Tottenham is complete without mentioning local stalwart Chick King. It’s been a matchday staple for over four decades, and in recent years received broader exposure, including from the streaming show “Chicken Shop Date.” While you’re very welcome to take your own date, be aware that there will be a queue on match days and that seating will be limited (which really means “as likely as a defensive-minded Italian manager finding enduring happiness.”)

The local area around Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, including Chick King and The Corner Pin Pub

The Tottenham Hotspur Stadium local area. Map via Umap and OpenStreetMap.

For pubs, there are multiple options on the high street. The intrepid visitor might try a pint at each. For character, Bluecoats is worth a visit. If you’re in more of a rush, there are often takeaway drinks at The High Cross along the way to the stadium. The Corner Pin next to the stadium is also a good shout, though the stadium itself boasts a brewery and plenty of bars, including the aforementioned Goal Line Bar. 

My personal recommendation is to make the walk up the high road, grab a takeaway drink outside The High Cross, and head straight into the stadium for another pint at the Beavertown microbrewery, tucked away to the right of the Goal Line Bar. The Neck Oil session IPA is the traditional option. The stadium food is pretty good—for stadium food—with a surprising number of options. The chips (fries) are genuinely excellent. Do note that you’ll have to enter through your assigned gate, but as long as you’re not in the away supporters’ section, you can make your way to beneath the south stand and the widest range of food options. 

Songs and Chants

Tottenham supporters, like every group of supporters in Europe, have a repertoire of terrace songs. The classic—and easiest for a new supporter—is simply to join in for a few rounds of “Come on you Spurs.”

The next most common song is probably When the Spurs Go Marching In. It’s sung to the tune of—no surprise here—When the Saints Go Marching In. Since 2023, the club has featured a trumpeter before matches to accompany the crowd, and belting the song with 62,000 of your best mates is a spine-tingling experience.

Oh when the Spurs go marching in

Oh when the Spurs go marching in

I want to be in that numba 

When the Spurs go marching in 

Many players will have a song of their own, and Tottenham supporters—like every club in England—sing One of Our Own for players who came up through the academy. 

One of our own

He’s one of our own

[Player name]

He’s one of our own 

After the Europa League win, I would be remiss to not mention Brennan Johnson’s song:

Johnson again

Ole, ole, ole

Johnson again, Johnson again, Johnson again

Ole, ole, ole

As mentioned in the background section, the club has endured controversy in recent years from the supporters’ use of the word “yid.” Any match day fan will hear sections of the crowd singing about “being a Yid” and shouting “yiddo” at the club’s players. This is—from personal observation—done in support of a player, nearly always after they have performed well on the pitch. Again, if you are not personally familiar with the word, do consider how you use it.

Tickets

Like most Premier League clubs, Tottenham gatekeeps tickets for league matches. There are various routes to purchasing them, depending on the visitor’s price sensitivity and involvement with the club. 

The simplest and most expensive option is to buy “hospitality” tickets directly from the club. They will cost anywhere from hundreds to thousands of pounds, depending on the package and the opponent. They do come with a meal, a box seat, and special access to club representatives. 

Another option for engaged supporters is to purchase through their local supporters’ group. This may be in your non-London city or country. The official supporters’ groups usually have access to multiple tickets per season. 

The next simplest option is to register (and pay) to be an official One Hotspur member via the club website. Each person attending the match will need a membership, but tickets can be bought four to six weeks before kickoff. This approach is not 100% foolproof. Matches for Arsenal are going to sell out, pretty much guaranteed. Matches against a freshly promoted team are very likely to be easy to purchase. The rest fall in the middle, and it will somewhat depend on the team’s form at the time—everyone likes to watch a winner. I’ve seen more Spurs matches than any club in London, and the only time I struggled to get a ticket was against Arsenal. Even Champions League tickets (vs Bayern Munich in 2019) were readily available via the ticket exchange.

If you feel up to it, I recommend sitting in the south stand where the season ticket holders tend to congregate. It has the best atmosphere in the ground. The away supporters will be in the northeast corner of the ground, and I’d personally avoid sitting in the sections either side of them. If you go more towards the middle of the north stand or about a third of the way into the east stand, it will be fine.

A wide expanse of green football pitch surrounded by a stadium full of spectators

The view from the south stand. Photo taken by the author.

The club ticketing website is available here: https://www.eticketing.co.uk/tottenhamhotspur/

A QR code that links to the Tottenham ticketing website

QR code to the Tottenham Hotspur ticketing website

Post-game

The stadium remains open for an hour after the final whistle. The cynical might think it is a ploy by ownership to extract a few more pounds from match day supporters, but is undeniable that there will be lengthy queues for the trains for a while after the match ends. If you must leave immediately, the walk to Tottenham Hale station is of similar distance as the one to Seven Sisters, but it has the advantage of letting you into the train a stop earlier, which means you might have a place to sit rather than being jammed in like an insurance broker after a day at the office.

A map of the path from Tottenham Hotspur Stadium to Tottenham Hale train station

The winding path to Tottenham Hale Station. Map via Umap and OpenStreetMap.

The queue will be long, but it moves rapidly. If you do walk to Tottenham Hale, GPS is advised. The walk is safe (this is London, after all), but it requires a winding path through residential areas. There are usually other supporters to follow. I would personally go this way on a weekend afternoon, but probably go to Seven Sisters if it’s late on a weeknight. (More out of concern about getting lost in the dark than about safety.)

QR code that links to a Google Maps path from Tottenham Hotspur Stadium to Tottenham Hale train station

QR code for the path to Tottenham Hale Station

If you have a few minutes to stick around the stadium, it’s a perfect time to slip down to the Goal Line Bar and get a drink or a photo. It’s also common, especially after a weekend victory, to see people crowding around the stairwell and singing the club songs. 

Food options for a sit-down meal are somewhat limited around the stadium. Burgers and chicken, plus a few smaller local restaurants. If you are already heading south toward central London, consider hopping off the Victoria Line at Highbury & Islington and walking to Wolkite for excellent Ethiopian food, continuing on to Kings Cross and the short walk to local Indian hotspot Dishoom, or even continuing on to Warren Street and walking to Mestizo for outstanding Mexican food. 

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If you enjoyed this excerpt, the full book is available on all major ebook publishing sites, including Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, and more. It includes all the London football clubs from the Premier League, Championship, League One, and League Two, plus bonus sections for Wembley, Twickenham, and Lord’s Cricket Ground. Each section includes the history of the club, how to get to the ground, where to have a pint, and little factoids about the areas that I learned during my years in London. The book also lists all my favorite London restaurants (and what to order), favorite museums (and what to see), and even has a guided tour of a perfect date day at Kew Gardens and along Richmond Riverfront.

Cheers,

Brent

New Story – The World at the End of the Bar

Anonymous people in a digital future

I have a new story out this week, “The World at the End of the Bar” in the “Inter Librarian Loan” anthology from Air and Nothingness Press. This is my third story with Air and Nothingness, and it’s maybe the strangest story I’ve had published. The story came from a submission call from Todd Sanders, the editor, who reached out to authors who contributed to his previous Librarian anthology calls. The idea was that those authors could opt-in to having their stories used by other authors to tell an alternative version of the original story. A divergence.

I made my story “Three Matches and the Unlit Fuse” from October 2023 available, and I chose to work with Waverly x Night’s “The Bar at the End of the World.” I took the world Waverly created and imagined how the story could have continued and how her character Xoa could have returned from retirement to help his former student save the world she created.

It was a fun experiment, and I think it resulted in a fun story.

Premier League 24/25 Predictions

I’m posting this halfway through match week 1, but in my defense I made the rankings on Thursday evening and needed more time to add some snark.

  1. Manchester City – The machine rolls on until Guardiola gets bored or the 115 charges catch up to them
  2. Spurs – Second season Ange optimism
  3. Liverpool – TBD on how the era under Slot goes, but so long as he has Mo Salalalalah running down the wing, I reckon things will go okay
  4. Arsenal – As low as I could reasonably put them
  5. Newcastle – Lack of CL helps them climb back up the table
  6. Chelsea – I’m assuming Maresca figures out a decent 11 out of the 50 odd first team wonderkids they have. Or he gets sacked and Chelsea finish… about 6th
  7. Villa – Overachieved last season and won’t be able to rotate as much in the CL as they did in the UECL
  8. Manchester United – Mid-table dross, you love to see it
  9. Brighton – Three players you’ve never heard of will have them flirting with European qualification and be sold next summer for a combined 200m
  10. Palace – Seem to be recruiting well and safely mid-table
  11. Everton – Assuming there isn’t another points deduction, but even if there is Dyches remains a wizard and will keep them up
  12. Brentford – idk, could be 8th, could be 17th
  13. Fulham – A mid-table team, but I mean that as a compliment this time
  14. Forest – Probably overrating them, but I think Nuno will keep them safe
  15. West Ham – Safe from both relegation and entertainment
  16. Bournemouth – Could be okay. Could go down with their talisman now at Hotspur Way.
  17. Leicester – I believe in Winksy
  18. Wolves – Feels like they might slip on the banana peel this year
  19. Ipswich – tbqh I don’t know much about them, but what I do know reminds me of 2023/2024 Luton Town, for better and for worse
  20. Southampton – It had to be someone

2023 Writing Summary & Awards Eligibility

By all rational measures, 2023 was a good year of writing for me. Five stories published, another novel completed, and nine new short stories written. I also updated my Bibliography page to have links to many of my stories that are behind paywalls but where the rights have reverted to me.

Gratuitous Aela photo
Gratuitous Aela photo. She enjoyed helping herd cows back into their field.

The published stories included Self from Self (Nature Futures), Dave the Terrible (Flash Fiction Online), and Three Matches and the Unlit Fuse (The Librarian Card Catalogue), which were all originally published in 2023 and eligible for the major SFF awards in the short story category. I also had reprints of Retirement Options for (Too) Successful Space Entrepreneurs in best of British SF and First Sergeant Xelos Nestory’s Christmas List, care of Admiral Almay, Seventh Fleet, Interstellar Navy in Dread Space: Volume 2.

The novel is finished, but no novel is ever really finished until it’s published. One of the agents I sent it to provided some feedback that I think makes good sense, so I have some revision to do to the ending, and that will hopefully be done when I have some time off over the holidays.

The nine short stories included Dave the Terrible and Three Matches and the Unlit Fuse, plus two more that are revised and making the rounds at short story markets. That does mean there are five others that I haven’t completely revised and are basically dead. It’s been a tough year for maintaining focus, so I’m trying hard to see the positives in writing some stories, selling some stories, and getting the novel polished so I could query it.

Looking ahead to next year, my goals are relatively small. Draft another 9-10 short stories, edit 3-5 of them to a level that I feel good about submitting them, start a new novel, and start serious work on two non-fiction projects. I’ve no shortage of ideas for the new novel, but I’m still trying to find one that I won’t mind dedicating another year (or more) of my life to working on. The non-fiction projects include a football (soccer) book about my time in London and a cookbook for the eldest child to take to college with her. I don’t know if I’ll accomplish all those, but at least they give me a direction.

Here’s to 2024, everyone.

New Story & New Poem Days

Amid all the furor of the move and the trip to Italy, I had two new publications come out in anthologies over the last two months.

My story “Three Matches and the Unlit Fuse” appeared in The Librarian Card Catalogue, a beautiful anthology in the form of stories printed on card catalogs. (My children are scratching their heads at the words “card” and “catalog” used together.) This was my first solicited story and one heavily inspired by the last few years of living in Britain. The anthology is a limited edition, and it’s so pretty.

The second story is not actually a story at all. It’s a poem. Except, it was a story, originally. “A Particle Accelerator Love Song” is a scientifically accurate* poem / romance featured in Qualia Nous: Vol. 2.

I’m proud of this story. It’s been on a journey to find its way to print. I wrote it years ago, and while my faith in it wavered as the rejections piled up, I never truly gave up hope.

It’s a story that I thought was an excellent concept and that I sent out 20+ times, trying to find it a home. After it had been through every market I could find, I let it sit a while. As in “years.” When I came back and re-read it, I saw what was missing: shape. The words are nearly identical to the original prose, but it’s been reshaped to enhance the rhythm and the visual layout.

This is far from my first anthology appearance, but it is my first time being pulished in the same table of contents as Steven King. And Chuck Palahniuk. So that’s fun.

I have another story that’s been rejected a few times, has something to say that I think the world should hear, and will likely get a similar treatment. It’s been a long time since I wrote poetry, and I’m finding that it scratches a different itch than my usual prose.

*mostly accurate with some poetic license

Premier League 2023/2024 Predictions

I’ve been making bad Premier League predictions for a number of years, and I’m back for another chance to look foolish.

I’ve also added commentary sure to piss off someone. Yes, yes, I know that I’m an idiot and wrong.

  1. Manchester City – the machine rolls on
  2. Arsenal – the team is improved from last season’s heights but also they don’t have Haaland
  3. Liverpool – revamped midfield fixes their biggest problem last season
  4. Spurs – no Europe to impede Angeball plus GK and defensive improvements
  5. Manchester United – one Casemiro injury from being Badchester United
  6. Newcastle – overachieved last season without Europe; still good, but not that good. Yet.
  7. Chelsea – underachieved last season, but still a mess in terms of team structure
  8. Brighton – well-run team with seemingly endless depth, but also going to be dealing with Thursday night Europa League matches
  9. Villa – doesn’t have the depth to increase league position while also playing in eastern Europe on Thursday nights
  10. West Ham – Set Piece FC if JWP is taking free kicks for Maguire and Soucek to nod home. hot take: they either finish top half or get relegated after Moyes is sacked
  11. Fulham – probably okay unless Mitrovic leaves for Saudi
  12. Brentford – probably a slight decline with Raya leaving and Toney missing half the season
  13. Everton – Sean Dyche is a wizard, and Everton will concede 45 goals or less
  14. Crystal Palace – Roy keeps them decent for one more season
  15. Nottingham Forest – they survived last year and maybe the squad all know each other’s names by now
  16. Bournemouth – lucky last season, but there are worse teams, such as:
  17. Burnley – will be fun to watch despite being outclassed by 16 other sides
  18. Sheffield Utd – could finish a few spots higher; could be relegated. idk
  19. Wolves – already had their coach quit and the season hasn’t even started
  20. Luton – “we’re just happy to be here”

New Story Day: Dave the Terrible

I have a new story out today at Flash Fiction Online.

Dave the Terrible never wanted the unholy scepter, but you couldn’t refuse your mother’s dying wish. He hefted the gilt scepter from his nightstand each morning and used it to gaze upon the past and the present and sometimes even the future. It had come with a mist-cloaked fortress in the mountains that had a stone fireplace and a cozy library, so things weren’t all bad.

Dave the Terrible

This was a difficult one, both thematically and in terms of craft. It deals with grief and depression as seen through a fantasy lens. Getting the balance right between fantasy and reality was a challenge.

Best of British Science Fiction 2022

I’m right chuffed to be appearing in my first-ever “Best of” anthology: “Best of British Science Fiction.” I’m not British, but I live in the UK and I pay UK taxes, so they’ve let me in on a technicality.

My story “Retirement Options for (Too) Successful Space Entrepreneurs” originally appeared in Analog SF, and it’s out for a second printing this summer. You can preorder the anthology now.

New Story Day: Self From Self

Illustration by Jacey

I have a new flash piece out at Nature Futures, “Self From Self.” It should be available for free until mid-April 2023. You may be able to download the pdf from Nature even after it goes behind the paywall.

This is another very personal story. It reflects the years of my early adulthood playing World of Warcraft, my sometimes fraught relationship with my parents, and my own personal journey through parenthood. It’s a story of loneliness and worry, but also of friendship. It also includes a few of my favorite lines.

Missiles carved trails through the smoke that fogged the valley. Hot brass fell like summer hail. … For 15 glorious seconds, mechs — friendly and enemy alike — shed limbs like dandelions shed seeds, until nothing moved in the valley but the parachutes of the surviving enemy pilots.

Self From Self – Me

The opening of this came easily. The ending took a fair bit of revision to excavate. The title took days of searching until I finally broke out the Shakespeare search engine and went hunting. I’m not sure how I found the passage from The Two Gentlemen of Verona, but it seemed like it fit.

And why not death, rather than living torment?
To die is to be banished from myself,
And Silvia is myself. Banished from her
Is self from self: a deadly banishment.

The Two Gentlemen of Verona – Shakespeare

The Casual Soccer Fan’s Guide to Premier League Football Clubs

A view of Tottenham Hotspur Football Stadium from the south stand
Tottenham’s palace of football

When I was a young warthog, in the ancient days following the 2010 World Cup, I emerged from the tournament with a conviction to start watching soccer again. At the time, that meant the odd televised MLS match or Saturday mornings with the English Premier League. I was quickly entranced by the skill and pace of the Premier League. The lack of commercial breaks certainly helped. Since then I’ve continued following football, moved to England, and been to (nearly) every professional football ground in London. If you’ve just finished watching the 2022 World Cup and you’re looking for a league or a club to follow, let me introduce you to the Premier League.

First up: you know about relegation, right? The bottom three clubs from the Premier League get relegated to the next division down (charmingly called the Championship) while the best three clubs from the Championship are promoted to the Premier League (technically the best two clubs with the third coming up as the winner of a playoff between teams in third through sixth). While there’s certainly good football played in the Championship, it’s the money that’s the big difference. Premier League clubs make 10x the television revenue (or more) than clubs in the Championship, which can be life-changing for a smaller club that joins the top division, or devastating for a Premier League club that is relegated and suddenly loses most of its revenue.

The Clubs:

Arsenal

Fun facts: London-based Arsenal moved from Woolwich in the southeastern part of the city to north London in 1913, to the intense frustration of the existing clubs in the region. After a backroom deal saw Arsenal promoted to the new First Division (despite only finishing fifth in the old Second Division) at the expense of neighboring Tottenham Hotspur, a 100+ year rivalry was fully cemented. Arsenal saw a leap in popularity in the early 2000s with their French coach Arsene Wenger bringing an attacking style of football that caught the eye, proved immensely successful, and captured the imaginations of the kind of people who think a knock-off handbag with a continental designer’s name on it means you’re posh.

Cheer for Arsenal if: you think Benedict Arnold was a good lad and you like a bit of peace and quiet at your football matches

Aston Villa

Fun Facts: Villa is based in the midlands (the hollowed-out former industrial region of England that’s basically English Ohio) city of Birmingham (basically Cleveland). Argentina’s penalty shootout hero and all-around madman, Emi Martinez, is Villa’s keeper, so while the football may be stodgy, the penalties will be entertaining.

Cheer for Villa if: you’re from Birmingham. 

Bournemouth

Fun facts: The beach in Bournemouth has sand, which is not true of most beaches in this country. Bournemouth, as a football club, are almost certainly playing in a division too difficult for them, which means they’ll end up relegated, but only after beating your favorite club. That relegation will likely be confirmed with a few games to spare, which will be convenient because the players will be able to nip out early for the nearby beaches. (jk jk. They’ll be off to Marbella and Mallorca.)

Cheer for Bournemouth if: you follow the Championship and have a way to watch Bournemouth in it next season

Brentford

Fun facts: Despite being founded in 1889, Brentford Football Club are named after me. The club’s owner is a childhood Brentford supporter who bought the club after making a moderate-sized fortune in the gambling industry. He brought his data analysis background to the club and has helped them achieve promotion from League One to the Championship and from the Championship to the Premier League. The club have found their recent success by being cleverer than most of the clubs around them. Unfortunately, after gambling and analytics carried them to success, they are about to lose their star striker, Ivan Toney, for a year+ due to… gambling on football. (Bit of a double-standard, innit?) 

Cheer for Brentford if: you play Football Manager or FIFA Career mode and you want to support the real-life moneyball team of the Premier League and aren’t secretly worried about them being relegated after they lose Toney

Brighton

Fun facts: Remember how in the Brentford section I mentioned that their owner made his money in gambling? He got his start in the industry by working for Brighton’s owner, and their parting of ways left a certain amount of bad blood between them. The city of Brighton is on the south coast, but the pebble beaches are categorically inferior to those at Bournemouth. As a football club, Brighton are unobjectionable. Canny ownership, a good manager, good football. Basically Brentford, but harder for me to personally reach. 

Cheer for Brighton if: you want an underdog who plays good football and is probably safe from relegation

Chelsea

Fun facts: Chelsea aren’t even based in the village of Chelsea; they’re in Fulham but couldn’t use the name because Fulham FC got there first. Previously owned by a Russian oligarch, Chelsea blazed the trail for the sportswashing we just saw at the World Cup. Their owner used the wealth of the Russian people to buy some of the best players in the world and win multiple Premier League and Champions League titles. To make it worse, the club have America’s best player, Cristian Pulisic, on the books, but have been criminally underutilizing him and are likely to sell him in the summer. 

Cheer for Chelsea if: you like kicking puppies

Crystal Palace

Fun facts: Crystal Palace are based in the south London village of Crystal Palace, which is named after a structure originally erected in Hyde Park (further north) for the Great Exhibition of 1851. The cast iron and glass edifice was moved in 1854 where it stood until it burned to the ground in 1936. The football club’s mascot is an eagle, and for a while, a local wildlife foundation would bring a living bald eagle to matches and let it fly around the stadium pre-match. Sadly, that ended in 2020 when the eagle had a heart attack and passed. 2020 was a rough year, okay.

Cheer for Crystal Palace if: you’ve ever lived in Croydon

Everton

Fun facts: Carissa’s cousin married an Irishman, and he’s a massive Everton supporter. That poor man. Everton are a middling Premier League club who have long been overshadowed by Stanley Park neighbors Liverpool FC. I’d feel bad for them, but I’d probably get punched in the teeth for saying it.

Cheer for Everton if: you’re willing to suffer

Fulham

Fun facts: Fulham are in southwest London in the village of Fulham, which wouldn’t be notable, except Chelsea FC are just down the way and their owner backed the club with a billion pounds of blood money, and Fulham’s owner built a statue of–checks notes–Michael Jackson out front. On the plus side, Fulham have historically given us Yanks a place to ply our trade, and their current squad includes Missouri native and US National Team central defender Tim Ream plus surprisingly-good-for-a-Yank leftback Antonee Robinson. 

Cheer for Fulham if: you don’t mind bouncing between the Premier League and the Championship, you want to support good-but-not-amazing Yanks, and you fancy a trip to one of the nicest parts of London to watch your football 

Leeds

Fun facts: The English have a phrase: “doing a Leeds” to describe gross financial mismanagement, poor squad building, successive relegations, and the near-destruction of a once-proud football club. After a decade in the lower leagues, Leeds returned to the Championship and managed to hire another Argentinian madman–Marcelo Bielsa–who helped them back to the Premier League. These days they’re managed by American Jesse Marsch and sport a midfield including Americans Tyler Adams and Brendan Aaronson. I don’t have the multi-generational knowledge of English football that the locals do, but Leeds were historically one of the universally-hated clubs in the country, though that seems to have mellowed after their near-destruction.

Cheer for Leeds if: you want to support the largest concentration of Americans in the Premier League 

Leicester City

Fun facts: Leicester City won the Premier League in 2016 and it was such a surprise that not even a screenwriter could have written the script and had it be believable. Several of the players from that title-winning side promptly left the club, but ownership has done a good job of spending the money and solidified them as a top-half (but still mid-table) side. If you want a wild story that encapsulates modern England, read the Wagatha Christie saga sometime; one of the main characters is married to a Leicester City player.

Cheer for Leicester: if you want to be 7 years late in cheering for the underdog, but also don’t want the stress of annual relegation battles

Liverpool

Fun facts: Liverpool are a historic powerhouse of English football, but had a rough time out of the spotlight through the 90s and 2000s. They returned in the teens after their American owners (who also own the Red Sox) quietly embraced analytics and had the money to buy Very Good players, including Mohammed “Mo” Salah. A study in 2019 found that Mo’s presence in the Champions League-winning Liverpool side contributed to an 18.9% reduction in Islamophobia in the Liverpool area. Liverpool’s 2020 Premier League win was their first in nearly 30 years and cemented their place as one of the top English teams of the last decade. 

Cheer for Liverpool if: you want to jump on a massive bandwagon, but don’t want to support Manchester City

Manchester City

Fun facts: The club were massively overshadowed by Manchester United for most of their existence until Abu Dhabi decided that the Chelsea sportswashing experiment could be done bigger and better and conclusively proved that money can buy championships.  

Cheer for Manchester City if: you want to win at any cost and don’t mind blood on your hands

Manchester United

Fun facts: Manchester United were THE team of the 90s and early 00s until the (American) Glazer family purchased the club in a leveraged buy-out and drove it into the ground with poor management and a decade+ of wealth extraction. It would be sad if it weren’t so funny (as an outsider). Bloody Americans, amirite. (More like “bloody capitalism,” tbf.)

Cheer for Manchester United if: you care about The Brand more than actual success on the pitch. 

Newcastle

Fun facts: I was at the pub a couple of months ago with some local friends. One of the guys there was “Geordie Bryan.” (A Geordie is someone from Newcastle.) He was wearing a black and white Newcastle top. One of the other guys said, “Bryan, show the Yank your badge,” and Geordie Bryan lifted his top to show me the Newcastle badge tattooed on his left tit exactly where the badge was on his shirt. Geordie Bryan is the Ur-Geordie. Possibly the Ur-Englishman. In other news, the Saudis bought the club last year to see if they can pull off another sportswashing “miracle.”

Cheer for Newcastle if: you’re from Newcastle OR you want a healthy dollop of fossil-fuel-driven global warming with your inevitable on-the-pitch success

Nottingham Forest

Fun facts: Carissa and I saw them play an FA Cup match at Arsenal a couple of years ago. Their mascot, a cartoonish Sheriff of Nottingham, took the lead in a pre-match penalty shootout against Goonersaurus and still managed to lose. That’s how you know he’s English. Their owner is a Greek shipping magnate who totally wasn’t match-fixing or drug trafficking, I promise, guys.

Cheer for Nottingham Forest if: you totally didn’t threaten to murder that referee and the FA totally ignored it and let you buy a football club, anyway

Southampton

Fun facts: Southampton are another south coast city with a moderately successful football club. They’ve historically had a great academy (for youth player development) and been a club who have recruited well, turned decent players into good players, and sold them on to larger clubs for a profit. If I lived in Southampton, I’d be a satisfied season ticket holder. I do not, however, live anywhere near Southampton, so whatever.

Cheer for Southampton if: you want to see your favorite players get sold to one of the top 6 clubs for tens of millions of pounds

Tottenham Hotspur

Fun facts: After that 2010 World Cup, I spent a season watching the Premier League before choosing a club to follow more closely. At the time, I didn’t want to cheer for the English Yankees (Manchester United) or the Obviously Funded by Blood Money Club (Chelsea), but I did want to follow a team who played exciting football and would keep me entertained without feeling guilty about their off-pitch activities. It really came down to a choice between fierce rivals Arsenal and Tottenham. At the time, Tottenham had Luca Modric and Gareth Bale, who were both young, massively talented players. They both quickly forced their way out of the club to join Real Madrid and win multiple La Liga and Champions League trophies. Spurs re-invested the money poorly and limped on until Harry Kane emerged from their academy and powered them to a title challenge where the club somehow came third in a two-horse race in the season when Leicester City won the league. The last twelve years have been objectively good years for the club as they’ve established themselves firmly in the top 6 places of the Premier League, have played in European cup competitions year after year, built a magnificent stadium, and generally punched well above their (financial) weight class. And still won nothing.

Cheer for Tottenham if: you don’t mind being the bridesmaid and never the bride, don’t want to support a sportswashing empire, but still want a puncher’s chance of winning something every season (and yet always fall short)

West Ham

Fun facts: the Hammers play in east London in the Olympic Stadium that hosted the 2012 Olympics. It is the worst football ground I’ve ever been to, mostly because of the huge track that runs around the pitch and separates the fans from the action. The West Ham supporters think that Tottenham are their rivals, and the Tottenham supporters mostly forget that West Ham exists.

Cheer for West Ham if: your dad and granddad would be bitterly disappointed if you didn’t

Wolves

Fun facts: In Football Manager the club have a philosophy–based on real life–that you should sign Portuguese players. I’m not sure the exact relationship between the owners and the player agents that drives this, but there’s something fishy going on here. You might expect someone to investigate, but that would assume that FIFA weren’t making money on the whole enterprise somehow. I don’t actually have anything against Wolves, but I don’t think the good times can last.

Cheer for Wolves if: you’re from Wolverhampton (or Portugal) and want to see roleplayers for the Portuguese national team ply their trade. 

Conclusion

If you don’t have any prior allegiances, watch the rest of this season and pick a club to follow who catches your eye (and hopefully aren’t built on an empire of human rights abuses). The above list will give you a tongue-in-cheek idea about each club, but there’s also a germ of truth in most of the descriptions.

Or, and bear with me here, you can follow Spurs and learn the true meaning of pathos, the essence of human frailty, where you have the talent, you have the opportunity, but you reach for success only to fail at the last moment, falling on your own sword over and over again.

Sounds a lot like my marathon experience, actually.

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